The Wedding Gift Formula

I originally posted this back in 2002, but never migrated that old blog content to our MovableType version of the site, and now the WordPress version. Anyone remember Greymatter? Yeah, we were on that. Now, back to the original post…

Big wedding coming up this weekend with a trip out to San Diego. Cool! We’re psyched to hang out with David and Julie and David and Julie– yes, there’s two sets there. Oh yeah, and we’re excited about the wedding blah blah blah etc etc…

Which brings us to yet another fun topic– the wedding gift. We debated with the Almacy’s about just how much you’re supposed to spend on the bride and groom. Tonya said you should probably spend what it cost the hosts to have you there– so, if it’s $100 a plate then you get a $100 gift. But there’s two of us– ouch– that’s a little steep. But what she wasn’t taking into account was the Gift Oscillating and Changing Etiquette Accounting Practices, or GOCHEAP.

See, there are several factors involved here:
(dt) DISTANCE TRAVELED – rather obvious. Unit: miles.
(tc) TRAVEL COST – you guessed it. Unit: U.S. Dollar
(cr) CAR RENTAL – yeah. Unit: U.S. Dollar
(sd) STAY DURATION – how many hotel nights. Unit: Days
(hc) HOTEL COST – Obvi. Unit: U.S. Dollar
(iacgtbtf) IS ANYONE COOL GOING TO BE THERE FACTOR – well, is there? Factor: 0-1
(dpyiacu) DAYS PER YEAR I ACTUALLY SEE YOU – the number of days per year that we actually see the couple. Unit: Days
(obf) OPEN BAR FACTOR – self explanatory Possible Values: 1 for No, 2 for yes
(ffd) Per David Almacy: THE FRINGE FRIEND DISCOUNT Unit: Variable Percentage:
– surprised you were invited to the wedding? = 25%
– made the secondary guest list: 15%
– knew you were going to be invited all along: 0
(hmtaigtgibtfwtf) HOW MUCH TROUBLE AM I GOING TO GET IN BY TONYA FOR WRITING THIS FORMULA: Unit: Contstant: A Lot, or at least $200 worth.

Finally, here’s the formula:
(((dt)+( (tc)+(cr) )+(sd)*(hc)  * (iacgtbtf) * ((dpyiacu)*-1) ^ (obf)) * (ffd))+(hmtaigtgibtfwtf)
I hope that helps everyone who’s shopping for wedding gifts this summer.

Note: I’ve never used the formula. I’ve never actually plugged numbers into this formula. But I’m sure it works… as long as the answer is $200.

I’m off to www.WeddingRegistry.com